to post-separation if you are married. If you are living together unmarried, it can also create uncertainty around payment of outgoings. We encourage people to take early legal advice so that they are aware of any potential issues. Some couples decide they want to formally separate before they get divorced or have a civil partnership dissolution. In that scenario, we can prepare a separation agreement which sets out the terms of the separation.
What are the likely blocks to telling your partner you want to separate?
In 1983, a leading psychologist suggested that people often remain in unhappy relationships due to the ‘investment theory’—the idea that they feel they have invested so much time and effort that leaving would seem like a loss. Many delay separation due to comfort in familiarity (even when it may be unhealthy) or fear of being alone. However, the most common barriers to leaving include guilt, financial concerns, children, social stigma, fear of hurting a partner, and uncertainty about the future. This is a familiar narrative. People feel they have given so much to a relationship that it’s illogical to leave. The flip side is that more time spent in an unhappy relationship isn’t an investment in their future. This is where a family lawyer can help to alleviate some of the anxiety. We help people to think about how their life will be impacted by their separation and create a plan. For example, will you be asking your partner to move out and could you afford to run two homes whilst the separation is ongoing? By seeking early legal advice you can plan a course of action, which takes into account your best interests and those of any children. In terms of managing their partner’s emotional response to the news, is there anything they can do to prepare themselves? Yes. The way one communicates their decision can greatly influence their partner’s emotional response. Here are a few key points to consider and prepare before having the conversation. They should choose a calm and safe setting and have the conversation at a time when tensions are not already high. • They should use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel we have grown apart” instead of “You don’t make me happy”) as accusatory language can lead to defensiveness and derail the conversation. • It may help if they have a clear view regarding therapy or mediation, especially if children are involved, and communicate their decision clearly. • Ideally, they need to be prepared for a range of reactions, such as shock, anger, sadness, or bargaining. • Finally, they need to be kind but firm in their decision—showing ambivalence or second thoughts at this point can cause confusion and prolong emotional distress for both parties. This is why taking time to pause and reflect before taking action is crucial. Once the decision is made to have this conversation, one can move forward with clarity and confidence without being easily steered off course. We encourage people to consider the following: • What are the questions their partner is likely to ask them? These often include: What did I do wrong? Is there anyone else? Are you asking me to move out? By considering the answers in advance you can manage the situation more easily. • It is also sensible to decide your red line for the conversation. People often feel compelled to say something in response to a direct question, so it is helpful to be clear in your mind about what you are not prepared to discuss. • Consider timing. A conversation on a Monday night when they cannot access friends or take time off from work may increase tensions.
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Hodge Jones & Allen Solicitors | Separation Support
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