Our Separation Support guides are here to help you through every step, with expert advice from our family lawyers and emotional support from clinical psychologists and mental health professionals at My Triage Network. These resources address the legal, emotional, and practical challenges you might face.
SEPARATION SUPPORT
Fighting for your rights.
HEAD OF FAMILY LAW & PARTNER VANESSA FRIEND
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST DR PATAPIA TZOTZOLI
IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP AT AN END? The questions your family lawyer and psychologist would ask.
The end of a relationship is rarely clear cut. A person may think about separating for months or even years before they tell their partner. It can be particularly hard if you think the decision will not be mutual. How do you find clarity about whether your relationship is over? This guide looks at some of the common issues that arise when a person is thinking of separating. Family lawyer, Vanessa Friend, Head of the Family Team and Partner at Hodge Jones & Allen Solicitors and Dr Patapia Tzotzoli, a clinical psychologist, Director of My Psychology Clinic and Founder of My Triage Network, both specialise in supporting separating couples.
What are the common reasons a person decides to end a relationship?
When negative interactions outweigh positive ones, relationships are more likely to end. Other common factors are: • persistent emotional distance • unresolved conflicts • lack of mutual respect People often cite one issue as the “deal breaker” for ending their relationship, but when you discuss the history of their situation you uncover a range of reasons. There is no hierarchy of reasons from our perspective. The fact that your partner has had an extra-marital relationship may not be the deciding factor, it could be the years of undermining comments. Discussing the history of the relationship is important because it helps us to understand why a person wants to separate, what their goals are and what option is going to be suitable. For example, a person who finds their partner’s behaviour towards them belittling may struggle using mediation in the first instance.
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There is often emotional ambivalence in people and you may alternate between feelings of relief, sadness, guilt, and frustration. Common behaviours include: • emotional withdrawal • avoiding intimacy • increased irritability • frequent arguments; or seeking emotional validation outside the relationship. Some may unconsciously or even consciously create even more distance by prioritising work, friendships, or personal interests over time spent with their partner, causing the couple to grow even further apart. These are all common emotions and behaviours we hear expressed by separating couples. Individuals often feel confused because their partner may display both positive and negative behaviours towards them and they struggle to understand the message. Their partner may give them a fantastic birthday present, whilst choosing to socialise separately. We encourage clients to seek therapeutic support to help them see their partner’s behaviour and their response to it more clearly. This also provides a safe and confidential space as opposed to friends and family who can cloud the picture with their views. What emotions and behaviours are we likely to display when we no longer want to be in a relationship?
How do we know these emotions are long lasting and should be acted upon?
It is very common for individuals to seek legal advice whilst they are still considering whether to separate. We also see people who suspect their partner may want to separate. The advantage of early legal advice is that you understand the potential legal issues and can act with knowledge. If you feel reassured about your legal rights, it can provide the headspace to focus on the emotional elements. A study in 2002 1 found that long-term unhappiness, rather than temporary dissatisfaction, is a strong predictor of divorce. There will be times when everyone feels dissatisfied in a relationship, but this may be due to external stressors such as work, family issues, or health problems, making the feeling situational rather than deep-seated. This is why it is important to reflect deeply before making any decisions or taking action. During this time, seeking help—such as working with a couple’s therapist—can provide new insights into oneself and the relationship. One can also cultivate new perspectives, such as acceptance and gratitude, while learning better communication skills and how to regroup and repair after conflict. This process takes time and effort but approaching it with openness and commitment can lead to valuable personal growth lessons. However, if after genuinely and humbly trying, one continues to feel disconnected, unhappy, or trapped, it may indicate a more fundamental incompatibility and taking action may be necessary.
Is it sensible to take a pause before deciding to act?
Absolutely. Before taking any action, reflection and clarity are essential. To determine whether the relationship can be saved, it may be helpful for each partner to take a break or time apart to create emotional distance and assess whether they feel regret or relief. Seeking therapy, as mentioned earlier, can also provide valuable insights—helping partners explore whether there are lessons to be learned that could strengthen the relationship or whether it is truly unsalvageable. However, it is equally important not to remain in limbo for too long, as prolonged uncertainty can cause emotional distress for both partners. Setting a reasonable deadline (e.g., a few months) can help facilitate a clear and thoughtful decision.
We always support a client if they want to attempt reconciliation or reflect. However, individuals need to be aware that being in limbo can be challenging from a legal perspective. There may be a lack of clarity around when you have separated and this can lead to disputes over which assets are marital as opposed
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to post-separation if you are married. If you are living together unmarried, it can also create uncertainty around payment of outgoings. We encourage people to take early legal advice so that they are aware of any potential issues. Some couples decide they want to formally separate before they get divorced or have a civil partnership dissolution. In that scenario, we can prepare a separation agreement which sets out the terms of the separation.
What are the likely blocks to telling your partner you want to separate?
In 1983, a leading psychologist suggested that people often remain in unhappy relationships due to the ‘investment theory’—the idea that they feel they have invested so much time and effort that leaving would seem like a loss. Many delay separation due to comfort in familiarity (even when it may be unhealthy) or fear of being alone. However, the most common barriers to leaving include guilt, financial concerns, children, social stigma, fear of hurting a partner, and uncertainty about the future. This is a familiar narrative. People feel they have given so much to a relationship that it’s illogical to leave. The flip side is that more time spent in an unhappy relationship isn’t an investment in their future. This is where a family lawyer can help to alleviate some of the anxiety. We help people to think about how their life will be impacted by their separation and create a plan. For example, will you be asking your partner to move out and could you afford to run two homes whilst the separation is ongoing? By seeking early legal advice you can plan a course of action, which takes into account your best interests and those of any children. In terms of managing their partner’s emotional response to the news, is there anything they can do to prepare themselves? Yes. The way one communicates their decision can greatly influence their partner’s emotional response. Here are a few key points to consider and prepare before having the conversation. They should choose a calm and safe setting and have the conversation at a time when tensions are not already high. • They should use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel we have grown apart” instead of “You don’t make me happy”) as accusatory language can lead to defensiveness and derail the conversation. • It may help if they have a clear view regarding therapy or mediation, especially if children are involved, and communicate their decision clearly. • Ideally, they need to be prepared for a range of reactions, such as shock, anger, sadness, or bargaining. • Finally, they need to be kind but firm in their decision—showing ambivalence or second thoughts at this point can cause confusion and prolong emotional distress for both parties. This is why taking time to pause and reflect before taking action is crucial. Once the decision is made to have this conversation, one can move forward with clarity and confidence without being easily steered off course. We encourage people to consider the following: • What are the questions their partner is likely to ask them? These often include: What did I do wrong? Is there anyone else? Are you asking me to move out? By considering the answers in advance you can manage the situation more easily. • It is also sensible to decide your red line for the conversation. People often feel compelled to say something in response to a direct question, so it is helpful to be clear in your mind about what you are not prepared to discuss. • Consider timing. A conversation on a Monday night when they cannot access friends or take time off from work may increase tensions.
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Is it normal to consider reversing your decision in the face of your partner’s distress or refusal? Absolutely. Research on attachment theory suggests that people with anxious attachment styles may struggle more with separation and may plead, bargain, or make promises to change. Therefore, when the person initiating the conversation sees their partner experiencing strong emotions, doubt, guilt, and fear of hurting them can easily creep in, making them question their decision. However, while reconsidering is natural, it should not be based solely on their partner’s reaction. This is a deeply personal decision, which is why one should take sufficient time and put in the effort beforehand to reach this conclusion before initiating the conversation. Working with a psychologist specialising in relationships can help navigate these emotions objectively before taking action. There is no perfect way to decouple and if the decision to separate is not mutual, your partner’s response may range from total shock to quiet acceptance. The best approach is to be prepared. Working through some of the practical, legal and financial elements beforehand can make it easier to stand by your decision. What tips can people use to manage their own emotional wellbeing during this initial period of separation? • Lean on your professional support. As lawyers we are used to managing the process for clients. Sometimes it is best for the discussions to be conducted through lawyers so that you are relieved of the pressure. We always seek to find a collaborative way through and re-establish a positive dialogue between separating couples at the earliest possible opportunity, especially if there are children involved. • Consider limiting your contact with family and friends who make unhelpful comments and are biased in favour of your partner. It is reasonable to focus on your own emotional needs. The early stages of separation can be emotionally challenging, which is why self-care and structured support should not be neglected. The following may help: • It is important to maintain certain routines, as a sense of normalcy can help them stabilise their turbulent emotions. One thing that people often ignore is allowing themselves to grieve. There is a loss associated with every relationship that is outgrown, and this is painful for both parties—something that should be acknowledged and given time to process and accept. • At the same time, one must set communication boundaries with their partner. For example, they should keep interactions respectful but limited or establish specific times of the day or week when they have the emotional resources to handle these conversations. • It is also essential to seek social support that feels right for them, such as talking to friends or family members they feel comfortable. • They should avoid rushing into another relationship, as allowing time to heal and process is crucial at this stage. This situation presents a valuable opportunity for recentring and focusing on personal growth, which would be a shame to miss. • One can reconnect with forgotten hobbies and interests and set new goals outside the relationship. • Working with a therapist during this phase can be invaluable, as they provide guidance and support in navigating these challenges. Breaking up is not easy, but ending a relationship with care and clarity allows both individuals to move forward with greater emotional resilience and a stronger sense of self.
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Taking the First Steps If you think a separation is likely you should reach out for support. Early therapeutic and legal advice can help to reduce anxiety and provide clarity on your options.
Separation is another stage in a relationship and it deserves careful consideration and thought.
CONTACT DETAILS FOR LEGAL ADVICE
Vanessa Friend | Head of Department and Mediation | Family Law We have experienced mediators and Family Law Solicitors at Hodge Jones & Allen Solicitors who are on hand to advise and assist you through this stressful process.
Please contact Vanessa Friend on 0330 822 6363 or request a callback.
www.hja.net
vfriend@hja.net
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CONTACT DETAILS FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL SUPPORT
Dr Patapia Tzotzoli | Clinical Psychologist | Director of My Psychology Clinic | Founder of My Triage Network With over 20 years of clinical experience and a large team via My Triage Network I personally assess and match you with the right mental health professionals.
Please contact me on 020 3095 1301 or complete the Get Triaged form for a free consultation.
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Waite, L. J., Browning, D., Doherty, W. J., Gallagher, M., Luo, Y., & Stanley, S. M. (2002). Does divorce make people happy? Findings from a study of unhappy marriages. Institute for American Values. 1
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